You may be thinking that the words “feminist” and “men” don’t really belong in the same sentence as “love”.
This is because, typically, we’ve been sold a narrative about feminism being akin to hating men and bluntly blaming them for damn near everything.
Yes, we live in a patriarchy – there’s no two ways around it. That’s the truth.
And the patriarchy essentially believes that masculine = good, feminine = bad. That is to say that the qualities of the masculine energy are applauded and valued highly in our society, whereas the traits of the feminine energy…well, they’re often straight up disrespected.
I recently got interviewed for a podcast (All We Cannot Say – episode coming late January) where the host, after having read a piece I wrote last year about Magnetising Masculinity, asked me to elaborate on identifying as a feminist, while simultaneously loving men.
Fucking, yes! What a question.
I love men. LOVE MEN. Just adore them.
This past year in particular, I’ve allowed myself to embody my femininity to such a degree that I finally started attracting delicious, beautiful, thoughtful men in to my life – all who were either embodied in their masculinity, or who were on a journey to explore their inner world more.
And I tell you what – there is nothing more goddamn sexy than a man who is embodied in his masculine.
This is very different to a man who is stuck in the more “toxic” expression of masculinity. We don’t need more of that shit.
I know you’ve heard the term toxic masculinity thrown around A LOT. And you’re probably sick of it. Especially if you’re a man.
Because when we continuously and almost exclusively hear the term masculinity coupled with the term toxic – we can start to believe that they are one and the same.
Let me be clear: Masculinity is NOT toxic.
All energies exist on a spectrum, and we can choose how we want to express them. The shadow, “toxic” side is one end of the spectrum, and the fully embodied, “divine” side is the other.
Unfortunately, we have more examples in mainstream media of the toxic side of masculinity. Many men are raised by other men (and women) who instil these outdated views of traditional masculinity on them. Culturally, men are marinated in norms and beliefs which keep them from expressing their feelings, from being vulnerable and deeply connecting with others.
This type of ‘masculinity’ doesn’t help anyone. It doesn’t help men – because the fear of ostracism, ridicule and judgement keeps them hiding themselves and their feelings, which ultimately leads to a bottling up of emotions and no healthy way to express them. If doesn’t help women, because too often we become the victims of male anger and aggression from suppressed emotions that were never given permission to be expressed. There’s a myriad of ways that this dark expression of masculinity is detrimental – for all of us.
But, it’s not just men who are heavily influenced by this energy.
In another piece I wrote last year, I spoke about what I call Masculine Feminism. This refers to the type of mainstream feminism which insists that men and women be treated the SAME, the type of feminism that asserts that “I can do anything you can do – in heels, while bleeding”. It’s that “I don’t need no man” energy, the kind that sees men as the enemy to be defeated. It’s aggressive and takes on a distinctly toxic masculine undertone.
Masculine Feminism, in my opinion, is missing the point. We don’t need more anger and aggression because it’s fighting fire with fire. Or, fighting toxic masculinity with even more toxic masculine energy. How is that going to get us anywhere?
What we need is an approach to feminism that shifts its focus to honouring femininity.
Respecting the feminine energy benefits us all – regardless of how we identify.
I just want to pause here to make a clear distinction about this terminology. When I speak of masculinity and femininity, I’m referring to energy.
Energy isn’t gendered. Though I know it can be confusing when I use this terminology as you may associate masculinity with men and femininity with women in the binary sense.
But, the energetic qualities and traits of the masculine and feminine exist within is all.
Neither is better than the other. Both are important, powerful and necessary.
When we favour one energy too much, this is where imbalances and toxicity come in.
Too much masculine energy can manifest in burn out, an inability to connect with others, tunnel vision, aggression and disconnection to the earth (hey, climate change!).
Too much feminine energy can lead to feeling scattered, a lack of direction and focus, overwhelming emotions, manipulation, non-existent boundaries and resentment.
So, there’s a need for us all to balance out our energies and recognise that they are both powerful and important.
But, as we’re steeped in the broth of the patriarchy – most of us are operating in overtime in our masculine energy. Which is why I believe that we must all actively embrace and embody our feminine energy in order to bring things back in balance.
A man who is solid in his fully expressed masculine is in that state precisely because he has integrated his feminine side. He’s a man who isn’t afraid to share, open up, be vulnerable and express his emotions. He’s balanced. And this balance allows him to step deeper toward the divine end of the spectrum in his expression of masculinity.
I believe that men around the world are finally starting to wake up to this and, in my experience, I have met so many truly beautiful men just in this past year alone who are doing the work to integrate their feminine, to question their conditioning and to step in their fully expressed masculine.
To these men, thank you. I see you, and I appreciate you.
So yes, I’m a feminist. And I love men.
Tell me, do you identify as a feminist? Do you love men? One of the best ways for us to grow is to question our conditioning and actively ask ourselves what negative beliefs we may have that cause innate biases. Have you got any underlying beliefs that men are trash, that you don’t need them, that all they care about is sex, that they’re all aggressive? I encourage you to check your internal thoughts and maybe start to challenge yourself.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, let me know in the comments what you think!
Let me know your thoughts!