Snacks are great, but they don’t really compare to a deliciously nourishing, indulgent meal – right? Same goes for sex. In this episode I share all about the difference between what I call gourmet sex and snack sex & how you can make the most of both.
- The ways in which we approach sex
- Why there is not right or wrong way to have sex
- The top three tips to having a more mindblowing sex life
Links and Resources
Start your journey to explore your own personal pleasure language with my free quiz, including a bonus worksheet with journaling prompts to help you dive even deeper. Take the quiz now: www.eleanorhadley.com/pleasurelanguage
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Welcome, Sensualitas to Episode number 10 of The Sensuality Academy podcast. My baby podcast is double digits! I’m very proud! And so thankful to all of you who have been sharing, listening and reviewing – it means so much to me! Thank You.
Okay, let’s get into today’s episode. Let’s talk about SEX! Specifically, let’s talk about the difference between what I like to call gourmet sex and snack sex.
For a while, I was using the term ‘junk food sex’ – and all of my clients and anyone who has done workshops with me or the actual Sensuality Academy program will know I tend to use this terminology. But, lately I’ve decided to re-name this term from ‘junk-food sex’ to what I now call ’Snack Sex because I felt junk-food gave a little too much of a negative connotation and that wasn’t my intention.
So, what do I even mean by gourmet sex and snack sex?
Firstly, I want to caveat this by saying: All (consensual and respectful) sex is good sex. Pleasure is pleasure. So long as we are making an effort to be intimate, connected, open and honest with our sexual encounters – we will have good sex. So, this is not going to say there is one type of sex that is better than the other. I’m simply trying to demonstrate there are different types and different levels of sex that can be more or less nourishing. Just as food is. More or less nourishing but all delicious and all serves a purpose.
When I share this concept with my students and my clients I like to talk about quality of sex is equal to the amount of nourishment that you get from them. And that’s where the analogy gourmet vs snack sex comes in.
Picture going to a drive thru and getting some chips – French fries for my North Americans – quick, easy, delicious, feels good when you are eating them, but not exactly nourishing.
Then picture yourself, sat down in a luxe candlelit restaurant, being served a degustation of fresh, gourmet food, meal after meal complete with wine pairing.
Pretty different experiences, right?
SNACK SEX – is the type of sex that many of us are accustomed to. The one we tend to be shown in movies and TV and especially in porn that it is for one purpose only and that is just to a release of some sort. A lot of people out there currently survive only on snack sex. It’s the type of sex that we know and have experienced. It’s the type of sex that feels good, hits all the spots, get the job more or less “done”, by which I mean it culminates in an orgasm for/either one or hopefully both partners or some kind of obvious climax – (as an aside, I don’t subscribe to this view of orgasms being the holy grail, but I’ll talk about that later).
Snack sex is often seen as a little more easy to get. And when we talk about orgasms, it mostly consists of explosive orgasms vs implosive, these are the more “obvious” orgasms – being ejaculatory or clitoral. They are easier in a way, to get then the implosive types of orgasms.
It’s the kind of sex that may leave you satisfied in the short term…but not in the long term. It’s the kind of pleasure that might wear off relatively soon after you’re “done”. Sometimes it can feel like a quick climax and then leave you feeling almost empty, drained, tired, disconnected. Esoterically speaking this is because explosive orgasms lead to an expulsion of our life force energy but that’s tantrically speaking. I will discuss Tranta in another episode. Let me know if that is something that interests you and I’ll make sure I get onto that asap.
Whereas GOURMET SEX…this is where sex becomes deeper, more intimate, slow and connected. This is where you experience pleasure for pleasure’s sake. There’s absolutely no rush here, you take your time, you honour and explore and revel in each other’s bodies. This is where we find more implosive orgasms become possible, those deep inner orgasms like cervical and full body energetic orgasms (for any gender)
It’s the type of sex that can leave you feeling utterly transcendental, if not simply connected on a deeper level and more nourished. It’s absolutely delicious.
So – as I share these – I want to ask you to reflect….what type of sex do you mainly have? Now..or in the past? What type of sex do you want to be having in the future?
For the singles – this goes for self-pleasure too. Are you approaching self-pleasure and mastrurbation as a quick release, following your go-to routine of moves or positions that get the ‘result’ you’re after? Or are you approaching self-pleasure with a gourmet lens – taking time to honour yourself and your body and really explore your pleasure?
In my program, The Sensuality Academy I actually have an entire module about self pleasure because this is where we connect with our pleasure language. This is where we learn how to honour ourselves, what we like, what we don’t like. It helps us to learn a vocabulary to share our pleasure language with our partners.
And so, I believe that self pleasure is super, super important and that relationship that you have with your own pleasure is going to have such a big impact on the quality of partnered sex.
Actually – that last point on self pleasure, this applies to those of you in relationships too – let’s kill the idea that self-pleasure is only for singles because that’s not true. There’s some warped thinking that if you are in a couple, in a relationship, that you’re pleasure, your sex should only be with that other person. If you’re monogamous and that if you still masterbate that it’s somehow almost cheating or that it has some kind of meaning that the other person is not satisfied with your sex life and that’s just not true. I believe that self pleasure is an act of self love, don’t deny yourself of that!
That’s a tangent. We can talk about that another time but let me know if you agree.
And now, this is all to say that not every meal that you have, has to be a gourmet meal and this is not to say that snacks are bad. Absolutely not. We love snacks. But it’s about empowering you to recognise the different levels of sex that is available to you. If you so choose.
When I taught my workshop Sacred, Sensual Sex at the Hawaii Tantra Festival a few months ago, even a room full of 100+ Tantrikas who generally lean heavily toward having gourmet sex, most of the time agreed with me that there is still a time and a place for snack sex.
Sometimes you’re just craving some chips or some chocolate. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
My goal as a sensuality coach and sex educator is to empower you to understand that sex can be so much more than how it’s typically presented to us. I believe that sex is the most intimate thing we can do with another person. And so it should be respected as such.
Just as we can make sovereign decisions to eat snacks 24/7 or to eat fresh, nutrient rich foods – so to can we choose to engage in sex that hits that quick rush of satisfaction or to choose delicious gourmet sex.
Now, with this analogy of snack sex vs gourmet sex, now we know that gourmet sex is delicious we love more of that but just as snacks and food that is delicious but less nourishing it can be hard to break that habit of reaching for a snack instead of food that is going to be really nourishing. It’s almost about changing our taste buds as well. For anyone who may have quit sugar or tried going sugar-free at the start it’s super hard because it’s addictive. It’s quite literally addictive to crave sugar and so it can be hard to break that habit but then you get to the point where you eat some Broccoli and you realise it’s kinda sweet. Not saying it’s like chocolate but it feels different. I drink Celery juice every morning and I think it’s really yummy. Other people gag at that, but it’s about changing your senses and tastes.
Kind of weaning your way, not completely stopping the snack sex, I’m not saying there is good and bad sex but there is sex that is deeply nourishing and more of a quick fix.
So, I would encourage you to experiment, introducing more gourmet sex into your life. Whether this is gourmet self pleasure or gourmet partnered sex.
Now – as much as I talk about sacred, sensual sex and gourmet sex, deep intimacy, pleasure, connection and transcendental sex – I am personally not of the opinion that we must “be careful” who we share our sexual energy with and that we are somehow tainted if we have multiple sexual partners and other ideas like that. This is a whole other topic on what I call ‘Spiritual Slut Shaming’ – I’ll be sharing a whole episode about this phenomenon soon.
But – back to Gourmet Sex.
You may be thinking “Cool, Eleanor – gourmet sex sounds great but how do I have it?”
There are some very practical things that can take your sex from snack-ish to gourmet that I teach extensively in my program, The Sensuality Academy, and I’ll share a few with you now.
#1 INTENTION – It’s so important to have the intention of deeper connection, intimacy and pleasure for your sexual encounters. How often do you actually think about the WHY? Why are you having sex and what do you want to get from it?
I can’t stress how important this is. I’ve legitimately had conversations with lovers about what we want from our sex – me and a former partner have even discussed if we should meet up again for sex and what energy we would like to bring to that if we do…knowing that we are both seeking more than just a snack.
#2 SPACIOUSNESS – This is the sense of spaciousness in time and setting. This is about being able to go slow, to take your time, not feel rushed or that you are going to be interrupted, to luxuriate and melting into the moment. Spaciousness allows for deep exploration as well as the time that it can take many of us (especially those with feminine energy and parts) to surrender to pleasure.
#3 EYE CONTACT – Anyone who knows me – either IRL or online – will likely know how I feel about eye contact. This is the most important piece of the puzzle in my opinion. Eye contact can immediately shift the energy from snack sex to gourmet sex.
Eye contact invites with it deep connection, intimacy, vulnerability and presence. All of which leads to deeper states of pleasure.
This is so important to me. I’ve even stopped in the middle of the act with a lover and told him that I need him to look at me.
Personally, I feel like if we’re not making regular eye contact (and I don’t mean staring intensely – simply holding one another’s gaze and being present) – it feels to me as though I don’t matter in this equation. That I could be anyone. It feels like the sex is no longer about connecting with ME, but simply about satisfying your craving. I know that sounds intense, but honestly – eye contact is a game changer. Trust me.
So, those are a few ways to take your sex from simple and snacky to nourishing and gourmet.
I hope this episode resonated with you and that you learnt something. If so, I’d love you to share your thoughts about the podcast in a review on the Apple Podcast app and leave a rating too.
As always, if there are any topics you’d love me to talk about on the show, be sure to get in touch. Check out the show notes for all the links!
Until next time, stay sensual!
Let me know your thoughts!