Polarity: Unlocking Your Most Delicious Sex
Are you a Ravisher or a Ravishee? Do you like to take, or be taken?
In this episode we’re chatting all about polarity and sex and how powerful this principle can be in taking your sex life from ho hum to holy fuck.
Unravelling sex, gender and energy to explore how polarity shapes our sexual experiences, we discuss how to embody your core feminine or masculine energy and how BDSM has a lot to teach us.
This podcast is for YOU, so if you ever have any questions you’d like me to answer on the show, or topics you’d like me to cover – reach out to me on email here or over on instagram @eleanorhadley
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Episode Transcript
Welcome to episode 19 of The Sensuality Academy Podcast!
We know each other pretty well by now, right? Unless this is your first episode, then welcome! It’s so nice to have you here with us!
So, let me ask you something, dear listener. Are you a Ravisher or a Ravishee? Do you like to take, or be taken?
Oh yeah, I’m talking about sexually. Intrigued? I thought you might be.
In today’s episode we’re chatting all about polarity and sex and how powerful this principle can be in taking your sex life from ho hum to holy fuck.
When I first discovered the concept of polarity it damn near blew my mind. Now, I’m hoping you’ve listened to my episode #4 on understanding masculine & feminine energies because the concepts I discussed there will help us unpack polarity a lot more. So if you’re down - pause this and go listen - if not, I’ll give you a break down too. Don’t worry, I got you.
By now you know I’m all about offering tangible techniques on this show - so my hope for you is that what I teach you today resonates and you can start noticing and applying some of these principles in your own life. Of course there’s only so deep we can go in a podcast, so if you ever want to dive deeper and learn more about how you can use these teachings in your own life - be sure to reach out for personalised 1:1 coaching or get in touch to organise a zoom workshop for you and your friends.
Alright - polarity. What the hell is polarity?
So polarity is a pillar teaching and concept used in Tantra and it is such a powerful thing to be aware of. Not only can it help you to understand yourself and others better and improve communication, it can also take your sex life to the next level.
Before I get really deep into this, a caveat. You know I love a caveat.
Nothing in the world is black and white and while many try very hard to fit and categorise everything into a binary - that’s not what is true. We live within a spectrum. So the concepts I’m teaching operate outside of the gender binary, outside of sexual orientation and outside of energetic identity.
I often use the terms 'masculine' and ‘feminine’ when I teach about energetics. Despite it sounding quite binary - I use these terms intentionally. This is because I like to speak to people in a language they understand first as a starting point to conceptualise the ideas I share. The terms masculine and feminine are widely understood and using this as a framework, I can help you understand energetics.
While energy is not binary - remember everything exists on a spectrum - understanding so-called opposing forces (like masculine and feminine) helps us to gain more insight in to our world and how we exist in it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept lately. I believe a lot in the energetics that I teach and have taught, for example like in episode 4. But I also recognise that gender is a social construct, a product of society. Something that humans have created. Social constructionism is the notion that our understanding of reality is partially, if not entirely socially situated. When we look at gender, we have to understand that we as humans tend to internalise the expectations society places on us in regards to gender norms, and then behave accordingly. This is why, for non-binary folk or those who exist outside of the socially constructed gender ‘norms’ of male and female - many people struggle to understand.
There are not just two genders - male and female - as we have been led to believe. Most native and indigenous cultures have known of gender fluidity for centuries, such as two-spirit and its only the western cultures that have since dictated that there is a gender binary. Something to keep in mind.
So when I teach about masculine and feminine energy - I do so based around its energy - not from the perspective of sex or gender. I believe that sex, gender and energy are all different and anyone can identify as they choose across all three.
Energy is not gendered. We all contain both masculine and feminine energetic traits (and everything in between), regardless of our sex or gender. But, we all likely have a core energy that we resonate with more strongly. Speaking in the binary, a vast majority of people (not all) tend to have a core energy that corresponds with their gender. But, as I discussed before in regards to social constructionism, this could be in part due to the impact of society. A lot to think about!
As I mentioned in episode 4, the term masculine and feminine do not equate to male and female. This is oversimplifying things. We can interchange masculine with yang energy or go energy. And the term feminine can be interchanged with yin or flow.
Different, opposing forces - with a whole rainbow of colours in between.
Okay - I hope that is all making sense so far. Now, let’s talk about polarity.
Polarity is essentially the theory of opposites attracting and often is referred to as the #1 law of attraction. Polarity is very useful for us to be aware of in order for us to enhance our romantic and sexual relationships. The more opposing the energies are between a couple, the higher the attraction with be, whereas the more similar the energies, the less attraction there is.
Let me break down some energetic traits for you:
“Masculine” can also be defined as:
Wanting to take you, to ravish you
A desire to penetrate you, not just physically, but also emotionally, with their love, their gaze, their body - they desire to break through you, your walls and deeper in to your soul - sounds intense and esoteric I know, but stay with me
The masculine energy has a desire to submit you, to melt you with their love, to break down your boundaries
The masculine wants to be trusted by you, to show you they can be trusted
The masculine has a strong, clear direction and can take the lead, take control
They hold space for their partner to open and bloom
Then, at the other end of the spectrum is the feminine energy:
This energy is radiant and receptive, deeply magnetic
The feminine is open and easily surrenders and allows themselves to experience pleasure and bliss
They’re comfortable in their sexual eroticism, divinely feminine
Trusting that they will be respected and honoured
For the feminine to open though, they must feel a deep sense of trust, safety and presence from their partner
I want you to think back to primary school science class where you learnt about magnets. Imagine two magnets, each with a positive and a negative pole (I think this is the right terminology? Don’t quote me, not a scientist). When you bring the negative and the positive ends towards each other…click! They attract one another and pull themselves together. Whereas, if you try and bring both negative or both positive ends together, they actively repel one and other and push apart not matter how hard you try to push them together.
This demonstrates the power of polarity *perfectly*.
In a relationship, if each of you are embodying masculine energetic traits, or you are both embodying more feminine traits - you’re likely going to actively repel each other. Even though you may think “oh but we’re so similar, isn’t that great” -well, no, not necessarily.
Chances are you’ll drive each other mad because you’re both trying to lead, or both waiting for the other to lead.
But - if each of you embodies traits on each end of the spectrum - it’s magnetic.
Think back - have you experienced something like this before?
Now - when it comes to sex - polarity is the key to having the most delicious sex imaginable. If you think about it, there is always someone giving and receiving in sex. Sure, you’re likely giving and receiving pleasure at all times throughout a sexual encounter, but we need that sense of polarity to determine the flow. Who is initiating and who is allowing?
BDSM is a great example of polarity and sex. Sure, a heightened version of it, but there’s a lot to be learnt.
If I were to ask you if you felt more dominant or submissive in the bedroom - what would you say? And remember, these have NOTHING to do with your sex or gender. Again, I ask you -
Do you like to take, or be taken?
Are you a Ravisher or a Ravishee?
In my work with women, many tell me that they constantly feel like they have to put on a masculine mask out in the world, especially at work, in order to be taken seriously. Which is bullshit and another topic for another day. But - because of this tendency to always be making decisions (even around the house and with kids), they often crave to be able to just let go and not have to take the lead when it comes to sex. To be taken by their lover, explored, ravished and yes, sometimes told what to do - in a safe, respectful, consensual container of course.
The same could be true for you, or for anyone regardless of sex and gender. Sometimes we crave dominance, sometimes we crave submission. Both are amazing and valid and worthy of exploration. Let’s leave any judgements or assumptions of either at the door, shall we?
Dominant is akin to directive, taking control, taking the lead. It is not purely aggressive. Don’t get that twisted.
Submissive is akin to surrender and allowing, from a place of sovereignty. It is not about being taken advantage of.
It’s important to know this, because too often these terms - just as the terms masculine and feminine - can get highly misinterpreted.
Back to polarity - during partnered sex, it’s important we embody each end of the spectrum.
If you’re both trying to be dominant, or to ravish your lover - but neither of you are surrendering? It’s just a tussle. Which sure, that can be hot - but at some point, someone needs to receive pleasure.
Or - is you’r both being more passive and open to receiving - but neither of you is taking initiative, providing any direction? It’s bound to be boring and uneventful sex.
So - say it with me - Polarity is Key! Not to mention, you can actively play around with your polarity in your relationships and swap energies and see how it feels to embody the opposite. You might just love it.
So - polarity is powerful stuff, and it can lead to mind-blowing sex. Same goes for dating and communication in relationships. I know for me, as someone who loves the idea of a partner taking control - not being overbearing and telling me what to do like a jerk - but someone who is confident and decisive is a turn on- it can be down right infuriating to me when a partner can’t make a clear decision or doesn’t straight up ask me out, they dodge the topic, asking ‘what are you doing this weekend?’ I’m like, ‘ I will tell you what I will be doing but are you going to ask me out? Just do it!
In terms of Polarity, sometimes you want to play around with the direction and the invitation. Sometimes it might feel good to be like I’m asking him out and I’m going to go for it. Other times, you may want that question, that direction, that decision. This really plays into your core energy especially when something is new. When you are in an established relationship you can actively play with swapping roles, swapping energies.
Another caveat - our core energy is generally what we lean towards but we have all energies within us and during different aspects we are going to embody different ones. I am speaking very much about sexually today and so you may feel that you are most dominant or most often submissive. We can change this anytime we please. This is not a one size fits all. You are only ever feminine in energy or masculine in energy. This things can be swapped and changed and explored. Make sure you don’t take this as gospel, that I have to stick with one or the other.
All of this is very nuanced but I hope you see where I am coming from.
Now the coach in me can’t leave you without suggesting a bit of self-reflection and sharing a few journalling prompts, can I?
I want you to ponder the following - oh and I’m going to be posting a slide on my instagram with these questions so look out for that and be sure to share your answers!
Sexually, do you prefer to embody the masculine/dominant energy or the feminine/submissive energy?
What reservations do you have about embodying your preferred energy?
How do you wish your lover would respond to you? (Ie taking control, or surrendering to yours?)
In which ways can you explore and embody your preferred sexual energy even more?
I hope this episode resonated with you and that it’s given you something to think about and even perhaps act on. May you have better communication and better sex because of it!
If you’d love to dive in deeper into this work and so much more, be sure to check the show notes for links to join my 1:1 coaching program, or get in touch to book a zoom workshop with you and your friends on topics such as polarity, orgasms 101, self-pleasure, communication and more.
Thanks so much for listening, don’t forget to share, rate and review and as always - stay sensual.
